VSU Counseling Center

It’s pretty common to be single in college.  Julia Bourland, author of The Go-Girl Guide: Surviving Your 20s with Savvy, Soul, and Style explains, “there are fierce desires to find a mate…But dating in the 20s is more complicated than ever.” Your 20s are a time of transition, which can be made easier by going through them yourself. There’s no need to add to the stress you already have in your life by trying to be in a relationship.  Another great thing about being unattached is that life is what you make it. “I think the best part about being single in college is that the possibilities are endless. You never know what is going to happen or whom you are going to meet. Although being in relationship can be great, it can also be predictable. When you’re single, you never know what will happen next!” shared Kathleen Bogle, Professor of Sociology and Criminal Justice at La Salle University and author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus.  Sometimes it can be hard to get past a feeling of loneliness or jealousy at those disgustingly cute couples walking around campus, but let’s further consider why being unattached is fabulous!

1. There’s no “checking-in” — Kathleen Corlett from Syracuse University attests: “I can think of several reasons to love being single! At the top of the list, you never have to worry about ‘checking in’ or running plans by a significant other.”  When you are single, the only person you have to report to is yourself (and occasionally your parents so they know you are alive). And with texting becoming such a dominant form of communication, it’s easy for couples to check up on each other throughout the day, but this gets annoying fast. Why not be able to go on a friend date or use the bathroom without telling your significant other!?

2. Guilt trips are nonexistent— There is never a need to feel guilty (or even think twice!) when flirting with the cute guy or girl at Starbucks. You can feel free to flirt with guy or girl friends, waiters, people in class, or hall-mates!  So there you are, you can work it when you are single and flirt without the guilt trip catching up with you later. Go ahead—embrace your right to flirt!

3. Strengthening friendships — It sucks to get ditched by your friends who are in relationships.  You were good enough for them when they were single but suddenly they have no time for you once they change their Facebook status to “In a relationship.” Being single, you can focus on strengthening your friendships with your friends. You have all the time in the world to have girls’ or guys’ nights and watch chick flicks or football. Instead of focusing your time on a serious relationship, you can focus on others who are close to you, and let them influence you as a person. This is the perfect time to throw in a quote from Sex and the City: “Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.” I couldn’t agree more with Carrie Bradshaw!

4. (This one is more female specific) You don’t have to dress up (for him) — As women we go through a lot to be considered attractive and well-manicured. We are waxed, shaved, tweezed, polished, toned, tanned, our hair and nails are done, and we have to have just the right outfit on. Now let’s think about it, who are we doing all of this for: a guy or ourselves? We are young, beautiful, and single. So put down that blush brush and go run errands with a makeup-free face. Put on your favorite t-shirt or skip shaving your legs one morning and you will exude an air of confidence because you will feel confident within.

5. Learn about yourself — Abby Frank from Longwood University says:  “I really just enjoy being able to learn how I enjoy things without worrying about someone else’s feelings at the same time. I’m 20 and in my prime to learn how to travel and be on my own. I just feel like being attached to someone else would give me tunnel vision, instead of really being able to make decisions based on what I truly want for myself. And don’t get me wrong, I love getting kisses on the nose, and cute text messages, and hugs, but what I love even more is being able to focus on my own mental health. In the time that I’ve been single I’ve really learned to love myself as a person and be able to comfort myself without wallowing in my own loneliness.”  Gale Crandell, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist shared with me, “We often associate the ego with selfishness but this isn’t always the case. Gaining ego strength is developing who you are as a person. And as you take the time to do that, and postpone relationships, you can find what you need and want, which will lead to successful relationships in the future.”

Learning to be on your own and love yourself can be tricky. We too easily believe in the classic fairytale of Happy Ever After (in a perfect relationship). Even if you do want to meet someone eventually, being happy on your own is still an important skill!  Celebrate being Single on Valentine’s Day this year!!

Spring semester is just starting.  It is a fresh start and time to add some good habits that may have slipped by the way side last fall.  I have borrowed some information from this article:

http://www.cob.sjsu.edu/nellen_a/time_management.htm

Seven Suggestions for Effectively Managing Your Time
1. Be Organized
• ’Have an organized workplace (don’t waste time constantly looking for your work).
• ’ Use your appointment calendar for everything, including listing study time.
• ’ Use “to do” lists for both long-term and for each day/week.

2. Plan Ahead (Schedule it and it will happen!)
• Determine how long your tasks will take (do this before agreeing to take on a task!)
• Consider whether any activities can be combined.
• Determine if big tasks can be broken down into smaller tasks that may be easier to schedule (such as studying for exams and visiting the library as part of an assignment to write a term paper).
3. Prioritize Your Tasks
• Use an A-B-C rating system for items on your “to do” lists with A items being highest priority.
• Set goals for both the short term and long term as to what you want to accomplish.
• Look at all of your “to do”s to gauge the time requirement and whether additional resources will be needed to accomplish them (if yes, schedule time to obtain those resources). Don’t postpone the small tasks (a sense of accomplishment is good and overlooked small tasks can become larger tasks.)
4. Avoid Overload
• ’ Include time for rest, relaxation, sleep, eating, exercise, and socializing in your schedule.
• ’ Take short breaks during study and work periods.
• ’ Don’t put everything off until the last minute (for example, don’t cram for exams).
• ’ Learn to say “no” when appropriate and to negotiate better deadlines when appropriate.

5. Practice Effective Study Techniques
• ’ Have an appropriate study environment.
• ’ Split large tasks into more manageable tasks.
• ’ Be prepared to ask questions as they come up during study, rather than waiting until just before an exam.
• ’ Do the most difficult work first, perhaps breaking it up with some easier tasks.
• ’ Don’t wait until the last minute to complete your projects.
• Read the syllabus as soon as you get it and note all due dates (and “milestone” times) on your calendar.

6. Be Able to be Flexible
• ’ The unexpected happens (sickness, car troubles, etc.); you need to be able to fit it into your schedule.
• ’ Know how to rearrange your schedule when necessary (so it doesn’t manage you – you manage it).
• ’ Know who to ask for help when needed.
7. Have a Vision (why are you doing all of this?)
• ’ Don’t forget the “big picture” – why are you doing the task – is it important to your long-term personal goals?
• ’ Have and follow a personal mission statement (personal and career). (Are your activities ultimately helping you achieve your goals?)
• ’ Know what is important to you. (What do you value most?)
• ’ Have a positive attitude!

Copyright Professor Annette Nellen 2000

Drinking in a relationship isn’t always an issue.  Sometimes both people drink responsibly and there aren’t any problems.  When it does become a problem is when one person drinks a lot more than their partner.  It can be very frustrating when the one you love loves to drink and party with their friends every weekend.

I’ve worked with several students who started out in a relationship with both of them drinking a lot at first.  Unfortunately, we all know drinking is very common in college.  You may have even met your boyfriend or girlfriend at a party while drinking.  However, as the relationship progresses and you look towards graduation some students start to feel like their relationship is pulling apart.  I’ve had students tell me they feel like they are moving past the party scene in their lives, but don’t think their boyfriend or girlfriend is.  Every weekend is still devoted to going out to a party and drinking until their partner passes out.  Then they have to take care of them and get them home safe.

This can cause a lot of stress on the relationship.  Most people know that you can’t change someone else.  But what if you change and your partner doesn’t?  What do you do?  You love them.  When you spend time together during the week not drinking you are convinced this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  But when it comes to them being drunk on Friday and Saturday night again, you aren’t so sure.  It also doesn’t help that arguments start a lot more frequently when one or both people have been drinking.  Then Sunday is spent waiting for them to stop feeling hung over so you can talk about what happened over the weekend.

It is the same old discussion over and over.  They either tell you to get over it and you do, or they realize you are about to walk out on them and they apologize.  They may even agree to drink less or spend one night on the weekend with you alone not drinking.  This may happen a couple of times but as soon as their friends call and persuade them to come to the next party, you are pushed to second place again.  Trust me, it isn’t an easy place to be in a relationship.

The choices aren’t easy.  They never are.  I’m not accusing your boyfriend or girlfriend of being an alcoholic.  But anyone who has grown up with an alcoholic knows the excuses and the repeat pattern of behaviors.  It also happens in relationships well before couples get married.  Often in college it is hard to tell who will be the ones who go on to drink heavily for the rest of their lives and who will stop partying once they graduate and get a full time job.  A lot of young couples in college are hoping their boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be in the latter category.

You may be one of those people hoping your partner may change once college is over so you continue to give them a chance when they put alcohol before you now.  It is hard to know what the future will bring.  For some of you, waiting may pay off.  Your partner may grow up, mature and alcohol won’t be an issue.  For some of you, waiting is going to only make things worse.  You will continue to grow more resentful.  Unless you decide to love them as is and accept the drinking.  Just know they won’t be able to stop because you want them to.  They will need some internal motivation to want to stop on their own.  Some people do grow out of the college party mode and others don’t.

Time will tell.   No one knows what’s going to happen in the future.  However, some patterns become very predictable.  If your partner loves to party and has a huge group of friends who condone that lifestyle, it may be harder for them to settle down.  Unfortunately lots of people continue to drink heavily even when they get into a career and have a family.  Especially if they have someone who is always there to help them clean up their messes.

I know you can love someone so much that you just want to make it work any way you can.  There are truly selfless people out there that handle being second best to alcohol or friends.  Just ask Gene Simmons of the band, KISS.  His wife put up with A LOT for many years.  She finally put her foot down and Gene has changed his ways.  Gene is also in his 60’s and she has been living with him cheating and drinking for almost 30 years.  It can be done, but know that you don’t have to always put someone else first.  There is nothing wrong with admitting that you can’t be with someone who puts alcohol or their friends first.  You do deserve someone who can give you what you need.

It is one of the toughest decisions you will make.  It won’t be easy to know what the best option is.  I know I’ve said this before, but your level of pain tolerance is what is going to ultimately decide for you.  Either your boyfriend or girlfriend does settle down, or they will put you through a lot of pain.  When the pain becomes too much then you’ll know when the relationship has crossed the line of no return.  It really sucks to be put in this position.  You also aren’t stupid for trying to make it work.  The person you love is in there, they just also love alcohol.  Unfortunately things like alcohol and drugs make people blind to priorities.  Only you know whether it is worth it to wait it out or not.  Also know that it isn’t a waste of time to wait.  Whatever happens you will survive it, and this relationship will go on to shape who you become.  Hopefully no matter what, you come out stronger and smarter.

If you need someone to talk to, Mark Williams, in the Alcohol and Other Drug Program can be a great resource if someone you know and love is having difficulties with alcohol.  If you are a VSU student, you can make an appointment to meet with him at any time.  His contact information is 229-259-5111.

Leaving home and traveling to study in a new country can be a stressful experience, even though it may be something you have planned and prepared for. Many people are surprised when they experience the impact of culture shock, and it can be helpful to realize your experience is actually quite normal.

This is a hard one for me to answer.  I know what I think, but I’m sure there is someone out there who can prove me wrong.  From my experience as a counselor and working with people for a over a decade, I have come to the conclusion that men and women can be “just friends” IF they have really good boundaries.

Otherwise, all bets are off.  This post will be about my definition of boundaries.  The first boundary is being able to talk about dating other people.  If you can’t do that, then you will be jealous when they start dating or get into a serious relationship.  If you are truly “just friends” you should be able to become friends with their significant other with no problem.  Their significant other shouldn’t feel threatened by you either.  They shouldn’t have to compete with you for your friend’s attention.  If you are truly a friend you will want to hang out with both of them at times and won’t mind if he/she doesn’t have as much time for you.

The second boundary is not becoming too emotionally attached.  This friend shouldn’t be your best and only friend.  If you become too emotionally close, it can cause problems.  For example, if you talk to your friend at all hours of the night you are going to feel really hurt when they can no longer text you back because they are too busy texting their new boyfriend or girlfriend.  They will now be going to this other person for emotional support.   Their girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t going to be okay with you texting them 24/7.  Your friendship will come in second to the relationship, and this is how it should be.  Not that it is okay for them to ignore you like you don’t exist, but be aware that they won’t have the time or energy to meet all of your emotional needs anymore.  If you can keep this boundary, it will make the adjustment easier when they do end up in a relationship.

The third boundary is not having sex with each other.  “Friends With Benefits” may work when you are both single, but how is it going to work when one of you gets into a relationship?  Most people in a relationship have a hard time when their partner hangs out with someone they’ve had sex with in the past.  If your friend is being honest in their relationship, then their partner will know they’ve had sex with you in the past.  It could make it uncomfortable for them to hang out with you, which means your friend now has to choose between their partner and you.  Guess who they are probably going to pick?  Think long and hard about having sex with a friend because it could screw up your friendship in the future.

It is good to have friends of the opposite sex, but be aware of the potential complications. You need to be aware of  what your underlying intentions are.  If you really want to date this person and feel a stronger connection to them, be honest with yourself.   They are no longer “just a friend”.  Also, be aware of their intentions or underlying feelings for you.  Do you get the vibe that they are only hanging out with you because they are wanting more?  Do they come to you with all of their problems?  How do they react when you start talking about dating other people?  Sometimes your intentions can be innocent, but it isn’t fair to take advantage of someone’s friendship when you know they really want more from you.  It is good to have a solid boundary with this person because they could make it hard for you when you start to pull away.

If you keep these simple boundaries in mind, it will help keep your friendship solid and intact even when you or them start dating more seriously.  Try not to let just one person become your main confidant.  Don’t spend all your time with this person.  Go out with your other friends and have other people you can count on.  This will help you keep those boundaries and prevent future heartache or drama.  If you can do that, you should be able to be friends with the opposite sex with no problem!

As you start the semester, you can be so overwhelmed that it can be hard to focus on the positive side of life.  It’s the first day of classes, so here are some inspirations to get you through the first week!  (all images via weheartit)

Another school year is about to begin!  August rolls around so fast every year.  VSU is excited to welcome their incoming freshman, the class of 2018!!

Move in day is coming up fast!  The first weekend away from your parents can bring mixed feelings.  For some it will be exciting to have freedom at last.  For others it will be somewhat anxiety provoking to be so far away from home.  Others will feel dread at classes starting and feel overwhelmed already looking at their syllabus online.  Other new freshman may feel a little lost, a little lonely and wish they had gone to the school where all their friends went.  Others will feel like they’ve walked into their high school class reunion.

There are so many different experiences while starting college.  You’re figuring out a whole new living situation and trying to find your way around campus.  You can’t believe how many new people you’ve met in just a few days.  So many new Twitter followers, yet so little time to actually Tweet.  You realize that 2am is early to get to bed, yet somehow you still signed up for all 8am classes.  You may make a mental note to change that for the spring semester.  It is a crazy time full of adjustment.

Some adjustments will be easy.  Others will be hard.  Some people are born to party and make new friends easily, yet will find they struggle to make it to class and finish the semester.  Other people will thrive in their classes, but feel anxious every time they have to find someone to eat lunch and dinner with every day.  Just know that everyone goes through some hard times their first semester.  College is a lot of fun, full of great new experiences.  However, it is also stressful and full of moments of doubt.  Each experience is going to shape you and help you become someone you won’t even recognize at the end of your four (or five) years of school.

It is okay to take risks and try new things.  If you make a mistake, do your best to learn from it and move on.  Don’t be too hard on yourself or have too high of expectations.  Especially watch the expectations.  So many new college students have this image of being the perfect student, or getting into the best sorority or fraternity, or finding the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, or going to the best parties every weekend.  You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to be involved in all the right clubs or organizations or be in a relationship to have a great college experience.

Just take this opportunity to explore the opportunities before you and make changes as necessary.  Ask for help when you need it and take responsibility for yourself when you don’t.  Have fun, but not too much fun.  Study hard, but not too hard.  Don’t go to any extremes.  My advice for new college students is to find balance.  All work and no play isn’t good for you, but all play and no work won’t get you very far either.   Make sure you find time to eat, sleep, and exercise.  This will help reduce stress and keep you focused when those really hard weeks during midterms and finals come around.

One of the top things I talk about in my counseling office, besides relationships, is stress.  Time management is key.  In college you really have to know how to manage your time.  Take the next few weeks and try to find a good routine and schedule for studying, hanging out with friends, and getting involved with other activities on campus.  If you take on too much, try to back off on a few commitments.  If you find you are bored and spending too much time in your room, look for ways to get involved with things that may interest you.  Tweak your schedule as you go through the semester until you find the right balance with your time.  This will be key as you go through your time in college.

Good luck out there!!  I hope you have a great first year!!

When a friend is going through a break up or a hard time it can be hard to know what to say or do.  Most people mean well when they say certain things, but it can end up sounding more hurtful than helpful.  Here are a few statements that can really miss the mark:

1.  “It’s for the best”

2.  “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else”

3.  “Just try not to think about it”

4.  “He/she wasn’t good enough for you anyway”

5.  “Why would you want to stay with someone who did this to you?”

I know these sound good in theory, and most of them are probably true statements.  However, they don’t work because our emotions are stronger than our intellect during a breakup.  We know something in our head, but don’t feel it in our heart.  For example after watching a scary movie I KNOW there isn’t a serial killer in my shower, but I FEEL like there is because now I’m scared.  So, I pull back the shower curtain to double check.  My emotions win, not my mind.

The same thing happens during a break up.  Even if your friend KNOWS the breakup is for the best, they aren’t going to FEEL like it yet.  They still feel extremely hurt and upset.  It is hard for friends and family to watch someone they love be so sad.  Most people want to cheer someone up or just make them feel better.  The intentions are good, but only time will help your friend’s heart get on the same page with their brain.  Trust me, no one wants to get over this break up faster than your friend, but you can’t fast forward through time unfortunately.

So what can you do when your friend is still in love with someone and has been hurt?  Sometimes you just have to let your friend feel sad.  Things don’t always have to be “alright”.  They mostly need you to listen and give them a hug.   Yes, they will need to talk about it, and most of the time they will feel guilty about needing to talk about it so much.  Processing their feelings will help them.  They also need to cry.  It can be hard to watch someone cry, but being there during that time to offer emotional support without giving any suggestions will be valuable to them beyond belief.   Your friend can’t be rational at this point.  Let them know it is okay for them to be sad and again, give them a hug.

It may be helpful to remind them that it is healthy to balance a break up by feeling sad for awhile and then trying to find a distraction to give the brain and heart a little break.   Encourage your friend to vent, and then try to distract them by going out and doing something fun.  People going through a hard time need both time to feel the reality of the situation and time to pretend they’re fine and that everything is okay.

Remember, your friend didn’t choose to go through this break up.  Most likely it was forced upon them.  They still see good qualities in this person, and for an undefined widow of time they will jump to take this person back.  It is easier for you to see how this person has hurt your friend and to hold on to that anger.  Your friend will be irrational about the negative and want to cling to the positive things they miss about their ex.  It is hard to listen to, but realize they will start to get better with time.  Like I said earlier, break ups take time to get over.  Try to be patient.  If you feel they need to talk to a counselor because they are having trouble moving on, then encourage them to go.  It does help a lot of people to talk to someone who is a neutral to the situation and a counselor will keep what is said confidential.

The reality is that emotions can take a long time to heal and that is okay.  Also know that your friend can move forward and still feel sad at the same time.  They may start to move on and still feel “love” for their ex.  It is normal to go back and forth for awhile, like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.  Eventually their pain will lessen and finally their brain will kick into gear all those things you’ve been thinking from the beginning.  And if you say those phrases above months after the break up, they may finally hit the mark.

May brings about mixed feelings in a lot of people.  Most students are happy to be done with classes and finals or even happy to be finally graduating.  However, being done means you’ve completed one thing and you are moving onto the next.  Moving on means saying good-bye.  Some students are only saying good-bye for the summer.  Others may be saying good-bye forever.  Saying good-bye also makes this a very sad time of year.

Transitions are hard.  College is constant transition.  It is hard to maintain relationships and friendships throughout the four years of college and beyond.  Sharing space, classes and experiences bring people together.  What happens when those things no longer exist?  Some relationships and friendships move on together but some pull apart.  The unknown can be scary.  Even with technology making it easier to stay in touch, it still can be hard to keep up with your friends once you are scattered again across the country.  Even if it is just for the summer.

Most of  us have a hard time saying good-bye.  A lot of people will start pulling away a few weeks or months earlier to make the actual separation time easier.  When that day comes they like to either sneak away or leave with a very quick good-bye.  They don’t like the emotions of good-byes and try to avoid them at all possible.  If you used to watch the Office you know that Steve Carell left the show before the last season.  His character, Michael Scott, was leaving his job to move to Colorado with his fiancee.  He told everyone in the office that he was leaving on a certain day, so everyone planned to say good-bye to him on that day.  However, he started to say good bye the day before he said he was leaving.  No one really knew this was their last chance to talk to him, so they didn’t make it a big deal.  Michael left the office at 4pm that day knowing he wasn’t coming back on his “final” day.  He sneaks away instead of letting everyone really say good-bye because it was just too hard to deal with all those sad emotions.

This may seem like a good way to handle things, but it doesn’t allow the other people to express their emotions.  Some people may feel like they don’t have any closure.  It may be easier on the one leaving, but it doesn’t make it easier on the person or people who are being left.

Some people will cause a fight before they have to say good-bye.  They purposefully try to push the other person away believing it will make the separation easier.  This person may believe their friend or friends won’t stay in touch.  Rather than risk that rejection, they reject them first by causing a conflict.  This may cause the relationship or friendship to really end.  While maintaining a relationship or friendship long distance isn’t easy, it is possible.  It isn’t always necessary to end a relationship in order to deal with a separation.  If it is what both people want, that is fine.  However, if it is just one person making the decision, they risk losing great friendships to avoid possible future pain.

Some people become more clingy in the months or weeks leading up to a separation.  They want to spend every waking moment with the person or people before they leave.  They want to relive a lot of memories by talking about or doing things that they’ve done with their friends in the past.  When they do say good-bye they become very emotional and end up saying good-bye several times before they actually leave.  This is a lot of pressure to put on a relationship or friendship before a separation.  Everyone has a lot going on before school ends.  It can be hard to balance your friends with having to study or get work done before you leave.  The added pressure of making too much time for your friends can cause conflict.

There is no best way to say good-bye.  We all tend to handle it awkwardly.  As this time of mixed emotions is looming before you, just do your best to be yourself.  Let your friends know in your own way that you will miss them.  Then remember that time has a way of working things out.  You will either be able to maintain the relationship or friendship across the miles or other things will fill up your time and you won’t miss that person as much anymore.  Some people are meant to be in our lives just a short time.  Other people tend to be life long friends that no distance seems to be able to change.  The end of the school year is a bittersweet time for everyone.  Cherish your memories and be thankful to Facebook for keeping you somewhat connected either through the summer or through your lifetime.